


Back to Stamford

by CrimesAgainstHorn



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Christmas, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Friendship/Love, Illnesses, Intimacy, Love, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25812586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesAgainstHorn/pseuds/CrimesAgainstHorn
Summary: It's Rae's second year at Bristol, and after a rocky start she's back on track, doing better and managing her illness. When she learns that Finn's dad is ill, she rushes back to be there for the boy who was always there for her.
Relationships: Rae Earl/Finn Nelson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first attempt, EVER, at writing fic, so please be understanding because I'm sure there are about a millions ways this could be improved. I discovered MMFD a couple of months ago and connected with it more than any other show in my life. It means so much to me, as I know it means to all of you reading this. 
> 
> The story takes place after Series 3. Future chapters might play around with previous events. Thanks for any comments! Many apologies for any mistakes with British vernacular.

Chapter 1 

Rae tried to concentrate on the Shakespeare but it was too bloody hard. She sat at her desk in Bristol and watched the snow fall outside her window. In less than 48 hours she would be done with the first half of second year and she actually felt happy about it. Happy with how it’s all turned out this term. For once, she didn’t feel like she had fucked it all up royally. Last year had been hard, being away from Lincolnshire, from Mum and Karim and her baby sister. She talked to the gang, but it wasn’t the same. She had a crap roommate and no Kester. But she had gotten through it. She took her meds, found a therapist she liked, and got a handle on her issues. 

Right now, her biggest problem was where to spend the Christmas holidays. Mum stopped celebrating Christmas while they were in Tunisia and the gang were off doing their own things. She had thrown in the towel and told her dorm mother that she would be staying there for the holidays. Maybe if she was lucky, someone would ring her before Spring term started and she could take the train for a visit. Depressing, but she had already planned out the perfect soundtrack to keep from losing her mind on Christmas Day. Lots of Blur, some Nirvana, Pixies, Morrisey. Only the best. She had gotten through about five more pages of Twelfth Night when the phone rang. 

“Hello?” She asked, assuming it would be Mum or maybe Kelly from class, panicking about the exam.  
“Rae?” Her body filled with warmth (and quite a bit of blood heading down south) when she heard his voice.  
“Finn! How are ya?”  
“Well, I’m alright. Better hearing your voice.” He sounded far away, like he wasn’t completely there on the line.  
“Are you sure everything’s okay?”  
He stammered a bit. “Well, actually, no. I’m calling cuz, cuz…”  
“Finn?” Something hard and deep sprung up in Rae’s belly, her inside churning with nerves. Before she could start going through the list of everything that could be wrong, he said it. Four words that felt like a punch.  
“My dad has cancer.”  
Jesus. Mr. Nelson had always been so good to Rae. The three of them used to watch Monty Python together some nights when she would come around. He always made Rae feel welcome. The truth was, he always made her feel normal. Like father, like son.  
“Oh my God. Finn, I’m so so sorry. How is he doing?”  
“He’s alright, I guess. It’s in his stomach. He’s gotta have surgery to take it out. Doctors won’t know how bad it is until then. It’s just--”  
His voice cut out again and Rae could hear him breathing. When he came back on the line, he sounded desperate. She had heard that tone only once before--when she had broken up with him during first year, handed him back his jacket and walked away with tears in her eyes while he called out to her in the night. That was nothing compared to how he sounded now, in this moment, telling her that his dad might be dying.  
When he came back on the line, it sounded like he was trying so hard to hold his voice steady.  
“I just can’t believe it,” he got out. “I can’t believe he’s in a hospital bed.”  
Rae wished that she was there. She wanted to touch him, hug him, hold him.  
“When’s the surgery?”  
“Tomorrow. They want to do it as soon as possible.”  
“Right, that’s good I guess. What time?”  
“Around 11:00.”  
“Okay. I’m gonna come,” she said assertively.  
As soon as Finn had said the word “cancer,” Rae knew she would go to Lincolnshire. Not only did she need to be there for Finn, but she wanted to see Mr. Nelson before the operation. 

“No, Rae, I don’t want you messing anything up for school just to come here.” She could picture him in his flat. It was probably a little messy, especially if he’s been dealing with his dad’s health. Rae guessed that he was standing up, maybe pacing around. She hoped he had finally thrown that awful bean bag chair in the bin like she had been teasing him to do for over two years.  
She knew he would be too proud to say he needed help, but she knew from personal experience that having a parent in hospital wasn’t easy. 

“Listen,” she said, “my last exam is tomorrow morning at 8:00. I might not get there in time, but I have to try.”  
“You really don’t have to Rae. I’m sorry I called and made you want to mess up your plans--”  
“Finley! Stop! You’re not messing anything up, I promise. And I don’t have any plans, really. Mum’s in Tunisia and I was just going to be staying here for Christmas, just me and the sounds of Damon Alborn…”  
Finn chuckled, and Rae could hear his nose clearing. He had been crying. Not much, but enough for it to make a sound that traveled across the miles and hit her right in the gut.  
“Well, now I feel real guilty!”  
She got serious for a second, changed the tone of her voice.  
“Unless you really don’t want me there…”  
“No,” Finn cut in quickly. “No, you know I want you here.”  
It was good to feel needed. Especially by Finn.  
“Well, it’s settled then,” Rae told him. “ I’ll meet you tomorrow at hospital, yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
There was a beat of silence. Rae wanted to say something else, but she didn’t want to push too hard and turn it into another chapter in the endless saga of their relationship when this conversation (and this visit) were meant to be about Mr. Nelson, about Finn’s dad being sick, maybe even dying. Before she could decide on what to say, if anything, Finn spoke.  
“Rae?”  
“Yeah?”  
“’ll be glad to see you.”  
She smiled and wished that he could see her. But was also maybe a little relieved that he couldn’t.  
“I’ll be glad to see you too. G’night.”  
“G’night.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae rushes to get to the hospital to see Mr. Nelson before surgery. (And let's be honest--she's also rushing to see Finn). Will she make it there in time? What will happen when she and Finn are reunited?

The last time Rae had been in this hospital she had gained a sister and nearly lost her mum. It helped, knowing that good and bad things could happen here. She had spent the train ride thinking about all the good things--baby sisters, negative test results, mended cuts--and hoped she could add Mr. Nelson to this list. Just a wee spot of cancer that could be pulled out as cleanly as plucking a feather from a chicken. 

Now, she was rushing through the halls, carrying her duffle and brushing away crumbs from the crisps she snarfed down on the train. Despite the light snow and cold breeze outside, she still wore her denim skirt and black leggings, with a new green jumper that had brown wooden buttons stitched down one side. She had had to buy some new clothes last month--most of her others had become too loose. She hadn’t lost much weight, only about one stone, but it was enough to keep her jeans falling down. 

She hadn’t meant to lose weight. She still hated aerobics and never exercised more than walking back and forth to classes, the dining hall, and library. The only thing that had changed was the binging. She had put a stop to it five months ago after a particularly rough party at the next dorm over. She’d had too much to drink and ended up in a corner snogging a first-year named Horace with sour breath and hands that kept pawing at her boobs. After about fifteen minutes of snogging, she finally pushed herself away from Handsy Horace and made her way back to her room. She ate and ate and ate, leaving barely anything in the treats back she kept stashed under her bed. She didn’t want to waste her time on duds like Handsy Horace. She wanted to find someone like Finn. Someone good. If she was being honest, what she really wanted was Finn himself. But she knew she couldn’t keep circling that drain, waiting for their timing to be right. Maybe it never would be. Better to keep fixing herself and seeing what would happen, then trying to put something right and losing herself along the way. 

It was 11:37. She had more or less shat her way through the exam, rushing to finish but still not catching the train she would have needed to catch to make it to this spot by 11:05, still with a chance to see Mr. Nelson before they wheeled him in. She hoped the doctors were running late, that she hadn’t missed him. She turned a corner and rushed over to the nurse’s station. 

“I’m trying to find someone who might be in surgery.” The words rushed out as she struggled to catch her breath. The nurse, an older woman, around sixty or so, with limp hair and a hangdog look, already seemed bored by her.

“What’s the last name, dear?” She asked, grabbing a clipboard from beside her. 

Before Rae could respond, she heard someone call her name. She turned, looked to the end of the hallway and there he was. Finn. She knew she was in hospital, she knew she was here for a Very Serious Reason, but her brain and her body were in an epic battle of strengths. As much as her brain was saying, You’re not here for a shag fest, Rachel, her ovaries were ready to party. If only he wasn’t so good looking. Even in shoddy hospital lighting, he looked like a Greek God. He was wearing his denim jacket (with a gun to her head, she could tell anyone who asked that his Nan had masterfully stitched a large tear in the lining four years ago. She barely cared enough to know the name of the Prime Minister, but the details of Finn Nelson’s wardrobe were seared into her brain). The jacket was open, revealing his Oasis t-shirt from Knebworth. Had he worn it for her? Stop imagining things, Rae. Fuck you, brain. 

“I guess you found your people, dearie,” the nurse said, throwing a sly smile Rae’s way. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Rae replied, throwing up her eyebrows in a suggestive wiggle. She had underestimated this woman. 

Grabbing her bag, she rushed towards Finn. 

“Hiya,” he said, throwing his arms open and bringing her in for a hug so sweet and snug that it made her feel like honey was being poured from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes. He smelled like cloves and straight alcohol from the sanitizing station. Keep your eyes open, keep your eyes open, this is not a sexy hug, she kept thinking to herself. 

“Where’s your dad,” she asked after they had moved apart. “Did I miss him, then?” 

Finn nodded sympathetically, “Yeah, they took him in about twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry.” Rae felt herself deflate. She felt close to tears all of a sudden, then felt ridiculous for getting so emotional. All she had wanted was to get there in time to see Mr. Nelson off. She wanted to share a moment with the man who felt like family to her, even if it was just to say, We’ll be seein’ ya soon. 

Finn put his hands on her shoulders. “But he knew you were comin’,” he said. “I told him you would be here after, and he said he had another reason to pull through.” They chuckled a little. Some gallows humour to lighten the mood. Rae brushed a small tear away from her eye quickly, hoping Finn hadn’t noticed. She really really didn’t want to make this all about her. 

“Right then,” she said, shaking off her gluminess. “What can I do? Do you need anything?”  
“Yes! Food!” He shook her shoulders and they both laughed, the tension gone. “Doctor says surgery could be about three hours, so we’ve got loads of time to kill. How’s about we drop your bag in the car and pop into the chippy down the road?” 

“Let’s do it,” Rae said, a smile spreading across her pink cheeks. Finn reached for her duffle, which she handed over without protest. As they walked back down the corridor, Rae could feel the faintest imprint of Finn’s hand as it moved from her shoulder to the middle of her back before trailing off. When they passed the desk, Rae glanced back just in time to see the nurse give her a wink and a smile before the doors to the ward closed. Sometimes, you just can’t believe how wrong first impressions can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn are reunited! Ahhh!! This was so fun to write and revise, and I had a great time adding in some small details like Finn's wardrobe (shout out to Finn's Nan) and the surprisingly romantic (or horny?) nurse. It was important to me that Rae not have a dramatic makeover. The beauty of MMFD is that Rae's value transcends her looks--she's beautiful and deserving of love and happiness. Her narrative is not about weight loss. At the same time, I wanted her to be in a better place emotionally. I had her lose a small amount of weight only because I think that would be the natural result of her eating disorder being under control. If that doesn't come across clear enough, please let me know; I would NEVER want to imply that Rae's happiness is tied to her appearance changing. 
> 
> Stay tuned for Chapter 3, where I'll be filling you in on the gang and giving more background into Rae and Finn's lives in Bristol and Stamford (I'm working on the chapter now and it's giving me some grief, so I hope it comes together at least partially okay). Thank you so much for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Rae and Finn wait for news about his dad, they catch each other up on their lives and what's been going on with the rest of the gang.

Over a large plate of chips, they caught each other up on their lives. It turned out that Finn had not been calling her yesterday from his flat... because it was no longer his flat. When his dad had started feeling ill last month, Finn began taking him to emergency doctor visits, seeing specialists and filling medications. He was taking less shifts and would have barely made the rent when he decided it would be better to sublet it to a mate he knew from work and move back home to look after his dad. 

Finn was keen to know about her life in Bristol. He asked about her classes and her friends at uni. There wasn’t much to tell; classes were fine and her only friends were her roommate, Mary, who was nice but spent most weekends back at home visiting her boyfriend who was still in college, and Kelly from Lit., though their hangouts mostly revolved around proofing each other’s papers and complaining about their profs. 

They swapped stories about the gang. Turned out that even though Finn was still in Stamford, he was about as up to date with their mates as Rae. He saw Chop and Izzy most weeks, but with Izzy busy with her fashion studies, most of the free time she had was spent with Chop, which meant Chop was also busy most weekends. Not much time for parties, sexy or otherwise. 

Archie was away at university and wrapped up in his first proper romance with a schoolmate. Finn and Rae had both met Harry, though on separate occasions. Archie brought him along for a weekend in Bristol at the start of term, while Finn had stopped by Archie’s on the way to visiting his Nan up north and grabbed a pint with them at what turned out to be a gay bar. Finn blushed when he recalled getting hit on by several semi-drunken lads. (Rae didn’t tell Finn that she and Archie had a proper laugh over that story during a late-night phone call). They both liked Harry, who was studying history and politics and could keep up with Archie’s rapid-fire brain better than anyone. Rae tried to contain her smirk as she thought about her talks with Archie, during which he made it clear that Harry more than kept up with him in the bedroom as well. 

Chloe was off being typical Chloe in business school, determined to kick ass in class and still look smashing while doing so. Her father paid for her flat off campus, which she shared with Margot and Cindy, two classmates who were carbon Chloe’s, swathed in plaid miniskirts and pink barrettes. Rae had visited during summer break and felt like a troll sitting in the pub with them three, though to be fair they were nothing but nice to her. Rae and Chloe talked on the phone every week, sometimes a quick check-in and other times falling asleep on the line at 2 a.m. Chloe told Rae about the gaggle of fit lads who were after her but how she only had eyes for David, a studious and bespectacled classmate from Economics who Chloe was determined to win over. She swore to herself she would never go for another wanker like Ian ever again. Rae confided in Chloe about her dark period last spring, when the urge to hurt herself was stronger than it had been in two years. Chloe rang her every day for the next two weeks until Rae had convinced her that she was really okay.

It was just Finn and Rae without big holiday plans this year. She couldn’t believe Christmas was only four days away. Finn told Rae how Chop and Izzy were spending Christmas with Chop’s parents and then Boxing Day with Izzy’s family, taking a two hour drive west to be with her huge gaggle of ginger aunts, uncles, and cousins. Rae told Finn how Chloe would be with her parents in Switzerland, skiing and drinking champagne. Archie, they both knew, was on his way to Scotland for a family holiday at this very moment. 

Rae mentioned Gemma, the therapist she had started seeing six months ago. She left out Handsy Horace and the Last Binge. 

“So, it’s better than spring then,” he asked gently. 

Finn knew things had gone tits up last term. He rang her one random Wednesday to tell her about a terrible synth group he had just heard, the Warbler Trio, and could hear the panic in her voice. She told him about feeling down, but watered all the rest to make it sound not as dire as she felt. She promised him she would talk to someone or ring him back if she needed him to be that someone. She met Gemma the next day after walking like a zombie into the campus mental health office. Her talks with Finn tapered off after that. 

It wasn’t that she was avoiding him (well, maybe she was avoiding him a little), it was that she needed to stand on her own two feet. She made a promise in her mum’s tub two years ago that she would be the one to save herself. Finn was a person, same as her, not a character in a romance novel or an actual Greek God. Thinking about him reminded her of all the ways she had screwed things up last time--the lies, the avoidance, the fantasies that too often took the place of reality, and the thousands of cruel words she said to herself. She couldn’t live in that regret if she wanted to be happier in Bristol. She wanted to accomplish things and not just feel like she was barely making it through the days. 

“Definitely better than spring,” she said. 

“Good, good.” Finn looked down into his pint, sloshing it around and avoiding her eyes. “Archie keeps me up to date, ya know. Ya stopped callin’ me. I thought maybe ya needed some space.” He didn’t sound angry, so much as sad and confused. He looked back at her, eyebrows raised in a question. 

She was shocked. Archie certainly had never said anything to make her think Finn checked up on her. 

“I didn’t know that,” she said. 

“I’m just glad you’re a’right. You look great, ya know.” He smiled and she gave him a quick scrunch of her face, which he mimicked perfectly. Jesus, she thought to herself, the combination of the new jumper and weekly therapy sessions might be doing their job. 

“How are you doin’,” she started, “handling...everything?” 

He squirmed a bit in his chair, uncomfortable. “I guess we’ll see how things go after today.” Rae reached her hand out and placed it over his. 

“He’s gonna be fine,” she said, sounding so certain even though she didn’t feel an ounce of the sureness she projected. 

Finn put down his pint and used that hand to cover her’s. It was just a moment, like his hand falling gently down her back in the hospital. Except, this time, she let go first. 

She didn’t want to. All she wanted to do was reach across the table and kiss him. She wanted to take both hands and run them through his hair, which he had cut short again, reminding her of when they first met. Part of her wanted to call Mary from the pay phone to tell her she wouldn’t be back, to send her things to Stamford. She would help Finn bring his dad to doctor’s visits. She would learn how to cook and make sure the Nelson men were fed and cared for. She could see the scenes unwinding in her mind like a reel of film, all soft lighting and fuzzy edges. In that same imaginary movie, she could hear a voiceover that sounded an awful lot like Tix, speaking straight to her: Don’t be a daft arshole, Rae. You can’t change your dreams for a boy, and you’re not bloody here to shag Finn Nelson! So she pulled her hands back, because the ghost voice was right. 

She changed the subject. “So, what’s it like living back home?” 

Finn let out a deep and exaggerated breath, shaking his head as he exhaled. “It’s bloody odd!” He laughed a little. “I moved my stuff back in a few weeks ago, but haven’t had time to finish unpacking. I love my dad, he’s a top guy, but it still feels like a step back, ya know?”

“I understand,” Rae responded. “You’re a good son, Finn.” 

Finn brushed off the compliment. “I don’t know about that,” he said. “If I was such a good son I wouldn’t be thinkin’ ‘bout how my dad’s illness is messing up my life, like a selfish twat.”

“I think it’s okay to feel that way. You had a flat, your own space, your own life,” she said. “It doesn’t mean you love your dad any less, or that you don’t care about him. You’re not selfish. And yeah, you’re a twat but not because of this.” She playfully swatted at his arm to let him know it was a joke. God, she loved messing with him. 

“Well, thanks for that!” He smiled up at her, clearly delighted by the banter. “But, it’s not just that.” He put down the pint and clasped his hands together. “See, I had this plan for next year. Remember Tommy Shannon?”

Rae thought about it. “Tommy with the bad ear?” She asked.

“That’s the one,” Finn exclaimed. Rae had never met Tommy, but she recalled Finn telling her stories about him after he had returned home from Leeds. Tommy was older, about thirty or so, with a wife and baby daughter. He used to tell Finn wild stories from his younger days when he spent his nights as an amateur boxer. According to Tommy, he was good enough to make a go at it until one fast and crooked blow took out the hearing in his left ear and he decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. He started working for Finn’s uncle as a scaffolder, became a husband and father, and delighted in pulling out all his old stories from the glory days of his youth. “Tommy’s cousin works at the radio station. He said he’d get me a job there doing odds and ends, nothin’ much at first, but maybe down the road I could learn the equipment, the sound engineering, stuff like that.” He shrank back a little and kept his eyes down like he was embarrassed.

“Finn! That’s brilliant!” Finn could fit in anywhere easily, but Finn at a radio station made all the sense in the world. She imagined him in his plaid shirt and jeans, chunky headphones over his ears, mixing music at a huge turntable and picking (mostly) good songs. 

“You don’t think it’s daft to think I could do it?” 

“What? No, ‘course not!” Rae couldn’t believe she was on the other side of this conversation for once. How could Finn think he wouldn’t be good at something like music? Really, how could he think he would be bad at anything?

“I’m not like you. I’m not smart with my studies or books. I didn’t even finish college.” When she heard him say this, it was like an out of body moment. Was this what it was like to be Finn or Chloe listening to Rae talk about all the things she couldn’t do, all the things she ruined, all the ways something wouldn’t work out? 

Rae put down the pint she had been about to drink from and used her hands like a maestro’s baton, accentuating her argument in the air. “Finn, listen to me. If you want to work construction jobs for the rest of your life, there’s nothin’ wrong with that. But, if that’s not what you want to do, you shouldn’t do it. You deserve to be happy. And, with the exception of Babylon Zoo, you know your music. I couldn’t think of a better place for ya, to be honest.”

“Ya think so?” He asked, his face so open he looked like a boy. 

“I know so.” Their eyes lingered on one another before Rae added, “Especially the part about Babylon Zoo. They’re still complete crap!” They laughed and Finn’s face contorted into a look of mock offense.

“They’re not that bad!” he argued, to which Rae just rolled her eyes and took a swig of beer. She licked her lips and said gently, “You’ll figure it out. Maybe you have to wait a bit, but don’t give up on it ‘til you know for sure. Yeah?” 

He nodded, “Yeah, a’right. No sense arguing with ya, is there?” She just shook her head smugly. 

Finn glanced down at his watch. “We should be goin’. Dad could be out soon. Ya ready?”

They finished the last of their pints and headed back out into the cold afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this, it means you've reached the end of the chapter and can see that it's the longest so far! I think it's also the most fun that I've had writing this story, especially getting to fill in some blanks with Archie, Chloe, Chop, and Izzy. I think the next chapter will be quite a bit shorter. It felt like there was a lot of ground to cover between these two while also setting up some stuff I want to explore in the last section. I hope you're enjoying it. Thank you so much for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn are back in the hospital, awaiting news about his father's surgery.

A fresh layer of snow had fallen while they were inside the chippy. Rae and Finn were still dusting it off their coats when they settled into the hard chairs of the waiting area. No news yet from the nurse’s desk (and no saucy nurse that Rae could see). 

They sat there for another hour, waiting, talking about nothing. Being in the hospital changed the tone of everything. Rae could feel the distance between their bodies as they sat in their separate chairs thinking their separate thoughts and feeling their separate worries. As much as Rae cared for Mr. Nelson, he wasn’t her father. She knew that whatever troublesome thoughts were flitting through her mind were nothing compared to what Finn was thinking. 

When they weren’t staring straight ahead at the walls or looking around the corner, eagerly anticipating a surgeon to walk towards them, their gazes would occasionally land on the telly mounted above the nurse’s desk. Coronation Street was playing. Rae hadn’t watched in years and the sound wasn’t even on, but it was pleasant to get caught up for a few minutes in a fictitious drama rather than think about the real flesh and blood one she was living. 

Finally, at half past three, an exceptionally tall and thin man with white hair was walking towards the waiting area. He moved at such a brisk pace that the head of a stethoscope bobbed up from his pocket. Rae wondered if he was the type of person who woke at 5 a.m. every morning, even Sundays, to run in the park before work. He probably preferred standing to sitting. Rae never understood such people and was quite content to never understand them. 

Finn nudged Rae and stood up. “That’s the doctor,” he told her. She raised herself from the chair, her hips tight from sitting for so long.

“Hello, hello,” the doctor said, reaching out to shake hands with both Finn and Rae. Rae could see from the badge on his uniform that his name was William Alden. When Dr. Alden spoke he managed to convey two qualities simultaneously, a feat that stupefied Rae and convinced her that it was something only a doctor could manage: Dr. Alden was both harried and reassuring. The speed with which he spoke conveyed how important his time was. He got right down to it, getting it all out in a perfectly cadenced paragraph that left no room for questions from Finn nor even the slightest stutter or stammer from the doctor. 

“Patrick’s surgery went very well, indeed. His bleeding was a wee bit more than we expected, which is why things were delayed. But, that’s under control now and he’s receiving a proper transfusion. The mass in his abdomen was much smaller than we thought. Good news, indeed! We poked around quite thoroughly, but all looked splendid. We took some lymph nodes from the area, just to be sure, but we have every reason to believe this was localized. If that’s so, he might need some radiation treatments but nothing more than that. All said, the outlook is very good. Very good, indeed.” After reciting his soliloquy, Dr. Alden appeared perplexed that the two young people weren’t rushing at him with the same verbal speed. He gave a slight nod and started to walk away. Rae and Finn were staring at each other, their mouths agape. Finn shook his head like he was waking from a daze and called to him.

“Doctor, can we see my dad?” 

Dr. Alden turned but kept walking slowly backward.

“Give him some more time in recovery. A nurse will find you when he’s ready for visitors. Chin up, Mr. Nelson! This will be a happy Christmas for your family.” He flashed a thumbs up, turned around and was out of sight by the time Finn and Rae were embracing, tears welling up in their eyes. 

When they moved apart, Finn stumbled back into his chair. Rae watched as he inhaled a deep breath and then seemed to crack open. He put his head down into his hands and leaned against his knees, his body overtaken by deep sobs that rocked him back and forth. Rae sat beside him and rubbed his back. It’s alright, he’s fine she whispered, over and over like a prayer or a lullaby. They stayed that way until his body slowed and quieted. There was a box of tissues on a table at the other end of the room, for situations just like this, and Rae brought the whole lot over. After the sobbing and the cleaning up of the sobbing were done, Finn took Rae’s hand and held it until the nurse finally came to tell them that they could see his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly, I enjoy a sappy romance. If that's your kind of thing, stick around because we're far from over with this couple! I have rough drafts of the next two chapters and I can't wait to post them and keep going. I love how this is going to come together and I'm so excited to get it all down. Thank you so much to everyone who's reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a short little chapter just before Rae and Finn see Mr. Nelson post-surgery. Enjoy!

“I’ll wait here for ya,” Rae said. They had been brought up to the fifth floor and deposited in front of room 503 by a nurse named Gwendolin who appeared to be in her 15th month of pregnancy, she was as round as Jupiter. Mr. Nelson was just on the other side of the door. Through the small window, Rae could see the end of a hospital bed. In the lift, Gwendolin told them how Finn’s dad would have some tubes leading from his body--an IV in the arm and a catheter (Rae did not want to imagine where that particular tube began or ended)-- but he would be able to speak just fine, though he would be drowsy and possibly a little nutty from the drugs. 

Finn kept his hand on the door. “You can come in,” he told her. “I know it’s a lot, but she said he doesn’t look all messed up or anythin’.”

“No, it’s not that,” Rae answered. “Don’t you want to be alone with him first? He probably just wants to see you. You’re his son.” 

Finn shook his head emphatically. “And you’re Rae. He’ll want you there, trust me. He’ll have my head if he knows I had you waitin’ out here alone.” He stopped and looked at her seriously. “I want you there, too.” 

She nodded. “A’right.” His face was so adorable, she pretended to scratch an itch on her leg so she would have an excuse to look away. As she followed him through the threshold, she again had to remind her bloody body that this was not Shag City. Fucking vaginas; it’s like they have a mind of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for a sweet hospital room scene with Rae, Finn, and Mr. Nelson. Thank you SO much for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn visit Mr. Nelson after his surgery. Lots of sweet moments between all the characters!

Mr. Nelson’s eyes were closed. He had a hospital blanket covering him up to his elbows. The little hair that he had was close cropped and had more gray in it than Rae remembered. An IV ran from his arm to a tall pole with infusion pumps blinking several numbers Rae didn’t understand. A cannula for oxygen was in his nose. The catheter was nowhere to be seen, for which Rae said a silent thank you to Jesus. As Finn approached the bed, Rae hung back. She was still keen to make sure Finn and his dad had a moment without her intrusion. 

Finn sat in a plastic chair next to the bed and took his dad’s hand. At the touch, Mr. Nelson’s eyes started to flutter open.

“Da?” Finn asked quietly. Mr. Nelson’s eyes opened. He started to smile lazily and seemed to try to turn his body toward Finn, but made a grimace in the process.

“Hey, old man, they just sliced ya up,” Finn said reproachfully, gently placing a hand on his dad’s shoulder, easing his body back down. “Ya shouldn’t be moving about.” Rae watched as Mr. Nelson brought his hand up to the spot on his shoulder where Finn was pressing. He placed his hand over his son’s and allowed his body to rest. Rae almost felt ashamed to have witnessed it--it felt so private, so intimate. But, being a witness to their bond also made her feel special; she had been invited into this room, asked to be a part of this family drama. It was just the three of them here. She was in this story now. Years later, if she still knew Finn (Would she still know Finn? Sometimes thoughts like that kept her awake at night), only the two of them could tell this story, the story of what it was like to be at hospital while his dad had surgery for cancer, the story of how they visited with him after. 

“Does it hurt?” Finn asked. His hands were back in his lap. 

“Oh, not so much now,” Mr. Nelson said, his voice low and raspy. “They’ve got me hopped up on so many drugs I feel like a rock-n-roll star. Not as cool, though,” he added. He laughed at his own joke, his face twisting in pain and his hand shooting to his belly. “Oy, I shouldn’t laugh.”

“It figures. You make one sound joke a year and it’s when you’ve got stitches keeping your gut together.” Rae could see and hear the smile in Finn’s voice. “Did the doctor tell you everything? It’s good, dad. It’s real good.”

Mr. Nelson nodded. “He did. Let’s hope what they say is true, eh?” His head lolled to the side and his face broke out into a smile at the sight of Rae slouching in the corner. 

“Is that Rae Earl?” Mr. Nelson asked. “What’re doing back there, girl?” He waved a weak hand, gesturing for Rae to come closer. 

Finn got up from the chair. “Rae, here, you sit.” She came over and sat down in the chair, still warm with Finn-ness, and dropped her backpack at her feet. She put on a big smile. “Hiya, Mr. Nelson. Good to see ya. Wish it wasn’t here, though.”

“I think you can call me Pat, love. Yeah?”

Rae chuckled and felt her cheeks blush. “I’ll try.” (Rae couldn’t imagine herself calling Mr. Nelson Pat, and resolved to avoid saying his name at all for fear of insulting him either way).

“You’re a sight to see. I’m chuffed you’re here, dear.” He reached his hand through the railing of the hospital bed and Rae took it in hers. “If I’d known you were there, I would’ve told that git to get off his arse and give you his chair.” He had a mischievous grin, which Rae returned in kind. 

“I’m sorry, Rae,” Finn said seriously. He was standing so close to her she could feel his breath against her hair. “The old man’s right. Hate to say it.” 

They all laughed, and Rae shook her head. 

“No, it’s fine,” she said. “I’m so glad to see ya, I don’t care if I’m sittin’ or standin’. I’m sorry I missed you before.”

Mr. Nelson waved his free hand in the air, though he didn’t have the strength to get it too high up off the bed. “I told Finn I didn’t want ya to change your plans for me. Hope I didn’t foul up your exams. You’re such a bright girl. So smart. I tell him all the time.” 

Rae looked over at Finn, who was smiling the sweetest smile, like he was looking at a basket of puppies or something. “It’s true,” he said. “He doesn’t shut up ‘bout it.” Rae couldn’t tell if Finn was delighted by her supposed genius or by his father’s apparent adoration of her. Either way, he was enjoying his role as a bystander to this conversation. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout that,” Rae told the elder Nelson. “I finished my last exam this morning.” 

“I know you did smashing,” Mr. Nelson said, patting her hand. “Now, on to Christmas, eh? Father Christmas will be good to you, I’m sure.” Mr. Nelson’s eyes looked to be getting heavy again. Whatever cocktail of drugs were coursing through his veins were potent, that was for sure. Rae knew she would have to be quick or she would lose him to sleep. 

“Speaking of Christmas,” Rae began as she reached down into her backpack and pulled out a small square package, “I have something for ya.” She handed it to Mr. Nelson. 

“What’s this?” He said, surprised. 

“Just something small, it’s not much,” Rae said. He ripped off the paper to reveal a CD. Monty Python’s Life of Brian. Rae had spotted it in a record shop at the start of term. She bought it on a whim, thinking instantly of Mr. Nelson and the Friday nights she had spent on the couch with him and Finn, laughing and sharing popcorn. Sometimes the Monty Python nights were planned, but others just happened spontaneously, with Mr. Nelson catching Rae and Finn coming or going and convincing them to stay. Finn was always apologetic, rolling his eyes later when they were finally alone on Finn’s bed. He acted like it was an obligation or an indulgence for his dad’s sake, but he laughed along with the show, same as them. She knew he enjoyed it. He and Rae held hands, or sometimes he put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him. It took months for her to feel comfortable showing that type of physical intimacy in front of his dad. But, Finn and his dad had such a good relationship--not many secrets, no judgments--that Rae felt more relaxed in their home than she thought possible. Those were some of her favorite nights. 

She bought the CD not knowing when or how she would get it to Mr. Nelson. She just knew she had to buy it. Thankfully, Mary had some scraps of Christmas paper leftover from her own wrapping. It was a white background with dogs of various breeds frolicking in snow. Not something Rae would have selected, but it did the job fine. She wrapped it the night before, along with another gift meant for Finn. That package felt heavy in her pack. It felt heavy in her brain thinking about it. She wondered if she would still have the nerve to give it to him. 

“Monty Python!” Mr. Nelson exclaimed. He turned it around in his hands to study it. “This is perfect, thank you, Rae.” 

“You’ll be needing this, too,” she said. She reached back down into the backpack and placed her old Discman and headphones on the brown rolling table at the side of the bed. “I thought you could use a right laugh while you’re gettin’ better.” Mum had mailed her a new Discman last week as a Christmas present. She was sad to see this one go, thinking of all the music she had listened to with it. 

Mr. Nelson placed the CD in his lap and took Rae’s hand again. “You clever girl, you thought of everything, didn’t you? Thank you so much. This will do more good than any drugs these bloody doctors give me.” Then he looked up at Finn, still standing beside Rae. “What did I tell you, Finley? Isn’t she the cleverest?”

Rae turned her head up to look at Finn. He stared straight into her, his face soft and his eyes crinkled. He nodded. “World class,” he said confidently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my goals is to improve my dialogue and this chapter definitely gave me plenty of practice. I always got the sense that Finn and his dad had a really good relationship, and I wanted to highlight that in this chapter, and also show Rae's thoughtful side and how Finn recognizes that in her. Of course, his "world class" comment was a throwback to the letter he wrote to Rae at the end of Season 2. If you're wondering what Rae's gift for Finn will be...stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn share a romantic moment in the cold.

They stayed another hour. Finn made sure the phone in his dad’s room was set up, and he checked in again with a nurse to see that they had his number at home to ring him if there was an emergency. Mr. Nelson put on the CD, cackling and thrusting the headphones over Rae’s or Finn’s heads when he heard one of his favorite parts or a line he knew they loved. 

When they finally said goodnight to him and left the building, the sky was an inky black, with swirls of midnight blue punctuated by fat flakes of snow falling around them. The wind whipped Rae’s hair around her head, smacking it in her eyes and mouth. 

“Shit, it’s cold,” Finn yelled over the wind. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets as they trudged to the car. The snow was a quarter of the way up Rae’s shins. By the time they made it to the car, her whole body felt numb. Finn started the engine and turned the heat up as high as it would go. 

“Feels like my bloody toes and fingers are icicles!” Rae exclaimed, stamping her feet and putting her hands as close to the vents as she could get them.

“Here,” Finn said. He reached out, placing her hands inside his and rubbing them back and forth. He brought them up to his mouth and blew, his breath warm and moist, then continued to rub them together in the little cocoon of his hands. Rae no longer felt cold anywhere in her body; she felt electric, practically on fire. Their eyes met. When he looked at her like this, she didn’t know what to make of it. It was the same as in the chippy as it was in hospital and as it was now. Was it just muscle memory, his body doing things his brain wasn’t even aware of, like it didn’t realize Rae and Finn had stopped being a couple over a year ago? A part of her wondered if Finn’s emotions were all jumbled up because of his dad. He was scared and needed someone. Was Rae just the person who was here?

Finn’s hands moved slower, slower, until he was really just holding Rae’s hands in front of the now hot air blowing at them. She felt awkward and pulled away, rubbing them down the tops of her thighs.

“Better, thanks,” she squeaked out. Finn ducked his head down and quickly grabbed the steering wheel and clutch. Rae thought he looked embarrassed but she couldn’t be sure of it.

“Right, let’s get going. Could take ages to make it home in this mess,” he said. Finn didn’t look over at her once as he eased his father’s car out of the lot and started down the road.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Rae and Finn drive to his house, she considers her feelings for him and thinks about a phone call she had the night before with...CHLOE!

The drive back to his house took twice as long as normal. The radio stayed off; the roads were so dodgy, Rae didn’t want to distract him. They spoke quietly, mostly commenting on the weather. Finn relayed some minor small-town gossip he picked up at the pub.   
Her body felt stiff and worn out by the time they finally reached his house. The train, the chippy, the hospital, the drive in the snow--and the night wasn’t even over yet. 

They hadn’t had a conversation about Rae staying with him. It was just assumed. She was grateful they hadn’t had to have an awkward chat about it, that she hadn’t been made to actually ask if she could stay. She wasn’t even really sure how long she was staying; that was something else that was unclear. She packed enough for about a week, but that would mean spending Christmas with Finn and his dad. Rae at 16 would have fantasized about such a scenario. She would have imagined the twenty different ways she and Finn would touch one another, the manner in which their various body parts would interlock. Now, four years removed, she was conflicted. The last 24 hours, from the moment she received his phone call, had been a balancing game. She was trying to juggle these fantasies that still resided in her with the realities she knew to be true. 

Reality #1: She and Finn were friends. For all she knew, he could be shagging a different girl each night. For all he knew, she was doing the same with lads. And there’d be nothing wrong with that. Repeat: There would be nothing wrong with that! (This last part was a recurring mantra in her head, like she was bracing for an impact that could come at any moment. She could turn a corner in his house and come face-to-face with a photograph of him and some stunning blonde mugging for the camera. The thought sickened her, and this in turn convinced her she needed to gut up).

Reality #2: This visit had nothing to do with romance. Nope, no romance. Yes, she had packed her more viewer-friendly skivvies, but that was just because a lady enjoys wearing such things, right? Perhaps she chose to wear a new, lacy bra with sufficient underwire, but that was mostly because it made her jumper look more fashionable. No, this visit was strictly about supporting a friend. Key word: FRIEND. 

Reality #3: Finn was not in love with her. Sure, there were some possible flirtations today. Lots more hand holding than she expected, but Finn was always a handsy fellow. Touching her just came naturally to him. She had proven herself to be a crap girlfriend and he had kissed Katie Springer, that two-faced slag. Things had gotten too fucked up to be fixed. 

Reality #4: She was full of crap. She loved him. Once she started loving him, she couldn’t remember how it felt not to and she couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to stop. That was a reality too painful to focus on, because it didn’t change Realities 1-3. 

Last night, after she hung up with Finn, she rang Chloe. The irony was that Chloe was in fact back in Stamford, having arrived at her parent’s home that afternoon in preparation for their trip to Switzerland the following morning. She was adding final items to her suitcase while she and Rae spoke. 

“Shit,” Chloe said. “That’s awful ‘bout his dad. I hope everything works out.” 

“Me too,” Rae answered. “Chloe, he sounded so upset on the phone. What if I can’t say the right things? What if we find out his dad is really sick? Like dying? What would I say to him?”

Rae could hear Chloe zipping her bag. “Rae, you’re the best listener and the best when it comes to givin’ advice. You’ll know what to say. And you know, maybe sometimes it’s better to just be there. You don’t have to say anythin’, ya know?”

Rae nodded, tapping her fingers on her desk. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

“Well, can I tell you something else, babes?” Chole asked.

“‘’Course.”

“You might not like to hear it…” Chloe trailed off.

“Just say it, Chloe. What?” Rae started to feel nervous, wondering what Chloe was holding back about. She knew her friend’s feelings for Finn were a thing of the past (regardless, she knew for a fact that Finn would never fancy Chloe like that anyway), so she wasn’t sure what the girl was getting at.

“You gotta tell Finn how you feel. You’re mad for him, and I’d bet anything he feels the same.”

Rae felt her stomach tighten. “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.” 

“Ha!,” Chloe exclaimed. Rae could picture her sitting on her bed and rolling her eyes. “That’s bollocks, and you know it! You don’t date, you haven’t had a boyfriend since you’ve moved to Bristol, and you never talk about Finn! Like never!”

“Exactly, I never talk about Finn!” Rae spit back. “Doesn’t that tell you I’m over him?”

Chloe laughed again, and this time, Rae could imagine her shaking her head in loving condescension. “That’s the point. We chat about Chop and Izzy and Archie, but you never say a word ‘bout Finn. Like you’re scared to think about him. Izzy says he hasn’t had a proper girlfriend since you. He hardly even dates! God knows, you’re not datin’ either.” 

Rae inhaled a sharp breath. Her fingers stopped tapping. A little part of her caught fire when Chloe said that Finn had been-- and was apparently still--single. She wanted to believe Chloe, but Finn not having a girlfriend didn’t mean he was waitin’ around for Rae. Anyway, Izzy was probably wrong. Finn wasn’t someone to hang his knickers outside for all to see. 

She spun her desk chair around to face the bed, where her open duffel was ready and waiting for her to pack. “It doesn’t matter, Chloe. It wouldn’t be fair to put all that on him when he already has so much going on. I can’t do that to him. It’s too much.”

Chloe wouldn’t back down. “Stop worrying ‘bout what’s too much for him. That’s for Finn to decide.” She paused for a moment before adding, “And you’ve never been too much.”

Rae smiled sadly, looking around at her room. The band posters on her side of the walls, her navy bedspread from home, her school books and papers scattered around her bed and floor. All the signs of the meager life she’s created for herself in Bristol.

“It doesn’t matter, Clo. I’m still in Bristol and Finn’s still in Stamford.” The knot in her stomach tightened and tightened until it felt like she was being crushed from the inside. 

“Ugh, don’t be a twat Rae.” Chloe’s voice was strict but loving. “Bristol and Stamford aren’t as far apart as you think. It’s worth a fightin’ chance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation between Rae and Chloe wasn't in my original plan, but I really wanted to make it clear that Rae isn't completely alone or lonely at university. I also wanted to make it clear how obvious it is to everyone around them that Rae and Finn are still in love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Rae arrive at Finn's house and the sexual tension keeps building!

Walking through the front door of Finn’s house that night felt nearly as exciting as it had the very first time. Everything looked the same. There was no sign of Christmas, aside from a wilting poinsettia in the lounge. Finn dropped her duffel in the hall and they both took off their soggy shoes. 

“I think we need a pot of tea and some food. What’d ya think?” Finn asked as he hung up his and Rae’s coats on hooks. 

Rae felt chilled to the bone. “Yes and yes, please.” Finn smiled. He seemed lighter now that they were out of the car. 

“The old lady next door makes a bang up fruitcake. She brought one over yesterday. Come on,” he said as he led her down the hall and into the kitchen. 

The cake really was bang up. Finn warmed it and they ate at the kitchen table, large mugs of steaming tea to accompany their treat. 

“When do you think your dad’ll come home?” Rae asked between bites. 

“Doctor said he’d be in hospital two or three nights. He should make it home by Christmas.” Finn took a final bite of his slice and looked around before adding, “Not like you can tell it’s Christmas by the looks of this place. Guess we haven’t had much Christmas spirit ‘round here.” He chuckled, as if to say, What are you gonna do?

Rae finished her cake and brought their empty plates to the sink. “Maybe we could put up some decorations tomorrow? Get a Christmas tree?” She said as she settled back into her chair across from him. 

“Yeah, yeah, that’d be brilliant!” He said excitedly. “You wouldn’t mind helping me?”

She was taking a sip of tea and shook her head as she swallowed. “‘Course not. I’m here to help, right?” She said it easily and earnestly, but Finn looked conflicted. He started to say something, hesitated, then began again.

“Rae. Thank you.” She smiled at him sheepishly and he continued, gazing into her eyes and making her feel like he had a laser pointed straight at her heart. “You don’t know what it means to me for you to be here. But you know, you don’t have to feel obligated to do stuff for me or my dad. I know things ‘round here are a little….heavy, but it’s still your holiday. We can try and have some fun.” 

They shared a playful look and Rae grinned. “I’m really happy to be here--” She started to say “with you” but panicked and instead stammered, “uh, back in Stamford.” She took a gulp of her tea, now lukewarm, and tried to smile to smooth over her hesitation. 

Finn didn’t seem to pick up on anything. Instead, he asked her, “What’s it like being back?”

Rae had been thinking about this since she had arrived. While they drove and she stared out at the storefronts and the street signs, she considered where life had taken her over the past few years. “Ya know,” she started slowly, “I wondered if going to uni would make me feel more fashionable, like a proper cosmopolitan woman.” She stuck her chin up haughtily and rolled her eyes, causing Finn to laugh along. “But it didn’t. I still feel like me, just maybe a little more grown up, a little more stable.” She stopped for a moment, rubbing her thumb along the handle of the mug before beginning again, “I think being away actually made me like Stamford more. It made me realize how much I love it. Bristol is a fine place, but it isn’t home.” She looked him in the eyes as she finished her thought. “Stamford is home.”

He returned her gaze. “I felt that way when I was in Leeds. I missed this house, my bedroom, the gang…” He drifted off for a beat, looked down into his mug and said, “Some more than others…” Then he took a big swig of tea, hiding his face from Rae’s view.

She could feel her cheeks burning as she thought back to the night of Mum and Karim’s wedding, when she stood in front of a full room and told them the truth about herself--her illness, her hospital stay, her mad horn. She thought about Finn’s fingers on her bare back, her hand in his as they stumbled back to the pub, drunk on alcohol and the tender beginnings of romance. As much as she kept thinking they were over, everything he did and said told her otherwise. Maybe Chloe wasn’t completely full of shit. What if this was Rae’s last chance to get back with Finn?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love adding call backs, like when Finn refers to Leeds and uses Rae's line for her: "some more than others."   
> I hope you're all enjoying the story! There's so much more to come, I can't wait to share!


	10. Chapter 10

You’re a’right, you’re a’right, she said to herself as she looked in the mirror. She ran her hands through her dark hair; she had taken out the clip holding half of it back, so it was now flowing softly around the frame of her face. She took slow, deep breaths and pressed her heels into the ground, imagining there was an anchor tethering her to the Earth, keeping her from floating away into blackness. 

After they had finished their tea, Finn began to do the dishes and Rae took the opportunity to excuse herself to freshen up. She was in the loo upstairs, trying to calm her nerves. The breathing exercises and grounding movements were techniques she learned when she was in hospital and they had stayed with her since. She relied on them more now that she wasn’t binging or harming herself. After a few minutes they usually worked. Even now, she could already feel her throat loosening and her belly smoothing out, the tension released. She dabbed some cool water on her face then wiped it dry with a cloth. 

Being with Finn was stirring things up that had been boxed away for over a year. Thanks to Chloe the box was open and it turned out to be a fucking Pandora’s Box of every good and bad emotion she had ever felt. 

The problem was that she wanted too much--she wanted him to want her, to love her, for them to be together again in a normal relationship. But every time she thought about saying something to him, she second-guessed herself. Gemma told her all the time that she had made amazing progress, and she could feel it too, but what if dating someone--even Finn--disturbed the delicate ecosystem she had created for herself? She considered the possibility that they would date again, long-distance which would make everything even more complicated, only to break up again. What if that turned out to be the break up that breaks them apart forever? They had managed to stay good mates now, but trying again and failing could be pressing their luck. 

She took three steps back and turned sideways, studying the reflection of her body. 

She looked good. 

Most days she told that to herself not really believing it. But, some days...some days, it was actually true. Today was one of those days. Her hair looked thick and shiny, and thanks to the wet snow, pieces of it were in soft curls. Despite all the travel, her clothes still looked clean and fresh. She smoothed down the jumper, making it creaseless as it clung to her lower back, just grazing her bum. Bristol was much bigger than Stamford. At University, she saw girls of all shapes and sizes and heights. She started to notice that the formula for beauty wasn’t exactly what she had always assumed. There were plenty of fat girls like her who were pretty, some even gorgeous. Plenty of them walked around with a posse of friends or a boyfriend hanging off their arm. Then there were tiny girls, skinny as a pole or with perfect Chloe bodies who Rae didn’t look twice at--nothing about them sparkled or shined. 

At first, she thought there was something wrong with her eyes or her broken brain. She told Gemma about this strange phenomenon--how skinny girls weren’t always goddesses and fat girls weren’t always horrid monsters--and Gemma laughed a huge, bawdy laugh. Gemma wasn’t the type for silliness; she was incredibly kind and gentle with Rae, but always composed and professional. That day in her office, though, Gemma laughed until there were tears in her eyes. She told Rae, “Darling, I think you’ve figured out the biggest secret our society tries to keep hidden. Beauty is so much more than the bastards want us to believe--it’s so much more than dress sizes and hair color, and the bloody shape of our eyebrows. This is progress. Remember this every single day of your life, and you will never look in the mirror with hatred again.” 

Rae thought of Gemma’s words now as she turned from side to side, examining the curves of her body. Instead of feeling disgusted by the thickness of her stomach or the wobbling of her arms, she noticed how the green of her jumper brought out the color in her eyes, how the cut of her skirt accentuated the pertness of her bottom, and the way her tights showcased what appeared to be slightly more toned legs (trudging back and forth to buildings at uni did that, somewhat against her will). This will do, she thought to herself. She rubbed her hands along her face one last time, grabbed her backpack from the floor, then shut the light and closed the door behind her.

As she walked back towards the stairs to rejoin Finn, she passed by his bedroom, the door ajar. She stopped and bit her lip, considering. She barely waited ten seconds before opening the door all the way and stepping inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Even though this is a short chapter, it was important to me to show that Rae has been progress when it comes to her confidence and self-image. This is also an important chapter because it's a bridge to what I think of as the final act of the story, where things get VERY EXCITING!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything has been building to this scene! Rae and Finn have a heart-to-heart <3 <3 <3

She loved Finn’s room. It was a big, open space that smelled like him. His bed was in the same spot, made up with the same sheets and blanket from when they were dating. She thought about what they had done in that bed, the memories causing her face to heat up and her lady bits to constrict. Jesus, if she didn’t stop thinking about having sex with Finn she would need to change her knickers. She walked around, looking at the few posters he had on the wall, which she knew were the ones he had left behind when he moved out; he must not have hung the others yet. Maybe he wouldn’t since this was meant to be just a blip until he was back living on his own. 

Rae spotted two photos; neither were of a girlfriend, stunningly blonde or otherwise, thank God. One was a photo she had seen before, of Finn and his mum sitting in front of a birthday cake, party hats on their heads. He looked to be about four or five. He had it in a blue glass frame on his desk. The other was tacked to the wall, just under a Stone Roses poster. The gang. All of them with their arms draped around one another during the Leavers’ Ball. Rae saw her 17-year-old self standing between Finn and Chloe, everyone mid-laugh. She remembered that night, the high she had felt of being with the people she loved and the sadness she kept biting back, knowing that was their goodbye. No matter what happened, things would never be the same. 

Of course, Finn had his record player and stereo set up along the wall. Rae smiled as she began thumbing through his albums. She thought back to her first time visiting Finn’s house, when they listened to music in this very room and he tried to convince her to go to that rave. She liked to pretend Chloe hadn’t been there, but as hard as she tried, it was always impossible to cut her cleanly out of the memory. She was examining a U2 album when she heard a creak coming from the direction of the door. 

“Found ya.” Finn was standing in the doorway, a crooked grin on his face. 

Rae looked a bit bashful, still holding the album in her hands. “Sorry,” she shrugged halfheartedly, already knowing he wasn’t cross with her. 

He walked over until they were shoulder to shoulder. She had flashbacks again to that first day, the two of them in the exact same spots. “What ya got there?” He asked, gesturing to the album. 

She held it up, the black and white cover gleaming in the overhead lighting. “It’s their best one,” she said. 

“Aye, it is.” He took it from her, dropped it into the player and brought the needle down. The opening chords of “Where the Streets Have No Name” started to play low.

They smiled at each other and Finn began nodding his head to the music, shuffling through a crate beside Rae. She kept looking through the albums, but her mind was distracted by his nearness. After a couple of minutes, she decided to toe into the waters. 

She cleared her throat, her voice higher than she intended. “This reminds me of the first time you invited me over.”

Finn nodded, grinning to himself. “The reggae.”

“You remember?” She was surprised. It had felt like such an important day for her but she assumed it was just another average, unexceptional day in the life of Finn.

He looked at her, puzzled and bemused. “‘Course I remember. I was gutted when Chloe came, muckin’ up my plans.” He shook his head at her and rolled his eyes a bit. 

Now she was plain confused. “What do ya mean?” 

He cocked his head at her, surprised and befuddled. “What’d ya mean, what do I mean?”

“You didn’t want Chloe over?” Rae had always assumed Finn was glad to see Chloe draped across his bed, fawning over him. What guy wouldn’t be? They weren’t even close to being in a relationship yet; Rae was barely a footnote in his life at that point.

“‘Course not,” he answered, placing a Nirvana album back in the bin. “I wanted to hang out with you. Alone.” He looked at her pointedly when he said “alone.”

“But, you and Chloe got on fine.”

Finn kept rifling through the records, glancing over at Rae as he spoke. “Well, I couldn’t say, Hey Chloe, piss off will ya so I can be alone with Rae? She was still my mate. Had to put on a good face. Didn’t mean I was glad when she showed up on my doorstep ten minutes before you. Ya know, Chloe was right there in the park when I asked ya over. Didn’t ya think it meant something that I only invited you?” 

Rae shrugged. “I thought you just wanted to listen to reggae.”

Finn just laughed and shook his head, the thwip thwip of shuffling albums sounding over the music.

“Speakin’ of Chloe…” Finn triumphantly pulled out Louder than Bombs by The Smiths. They both burst out laughing. 

“Put it on,” she told him. Finn changed out the records, dropping the needle to “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.” They bobbed their heads along with it. They stayed like this for a few minutes until Finn broke the silence.

“Rae?”

“Yeah?”

“Did today remind you of when you were in hospital?” He asked quietly. They rarely spoke of her illness and almost never discussed her stay in a psychiatric hospital, apart from the debriefing Chloe hosted the day after Rae told everyone. 

“No,” she said. They stopped looking through the crates, their hands resting on the tops of the albums as they turned to each other. “Actually” she continued, “it was more like when my mum was in hospital. The place where I stayed didn’t feel like a medical hospital so much. By the time I left, it was more like home than my real home. I was so scared to go back into the world. I felt safe and protected there. I had friends who accepted me…” Rae stared off a bit, thinking back to Tix and Danny, remembering the bizarre hominess of the hospital. She looked over and saw Finn watching her intently. “I didn’t know I’d meet all of you. If I had, I would’ve been excited to leave,” she finished, looking warmly at him.

Finn smiled. “I just wanted to check. You don’t talk much ‘bout being in hospital. I’m sorry I didn’t realize being there today could be... different for you, ya know.” 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.” This was Finn’s biggest hidden talent: his thoughtfulness. One of the many qualities she loved about him.

He fidgeted with the albums, moving a chunk of them back and forth. “You can always talk to me ‘bout that stuff. I don’t know if I ever made that clear. I’m sorry if I didn’t.”

Rae’s stomach dropped. She felt like she was at a crossroads; shrug and say something stupid like I know, thanks or be brutally fucking honest.

She put her hand over his, quieting the noise. “You’re right. I don’t talk about that stuff and I should.” He was watching her, completely silent, his eyes begging for her to go on. She took a deep breath and let his hand go, pushing on and willing her voice to stay clear and steady so she could get through what she had to say. “You know I’ve been working on myself, bein’ honest with my feelings and tryin’ to understand which thoughts I have are true and which ones are my brain fuckin’ with me.” She chuckled a little and kept going, sometimes looking at his face and sometimes looking down at the wood floor. “I realized how much I didn’t trust you when we were datin’.”

Finn inhaled sharply. “Rae, I was a complete dickhead for kissing Katie. It was so stupid, I wish I could go back and just tell her to piss off--”

Rae cut him off, touching his forearm gently. “No, Finn, I wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout that. I mean, yeah, you were a total dickhead for kissing her. You shouldn’t have done it.” He hung his head repentantly. 

Rae continued. “I meant... I thought you were so perfect and normal, and I was so mad and weird that I kept the sick part of me hidden. It’s like I was living two lives. I didn’t want you to be reminded I was mental. Or fat. I used to worry that if I told you I thought I was ugly or I was havin’ a panic attack, you’d think I was weird and you wouldn’t like me anymore. It’s why I kept panicking when we tried to have sex the first time. I didn’t want you to see me naked and I was too embarrassed to tell ya. I felt so different from the other girls at college and the other girls ya dated. But, I should’ve just been honest. And I should’ve trusted ya. I’m sorry for that.” She looked him right in the eye as she said it, her stomach somersaulting with nerves. Shit, she’d said a lot. Probably too much. 

Finn’s brows were furrowed like he was trying to put a puzzle together. He shook his head, like the puzzle was coming together but it didn’t look at all like the photo on the box. “I thought you didn’t talk about being ill cuz it’s hard to talk about. I thought maybe it made ya sad. And I didn’t want to make ya sad.” 

Rae’s hand was resting on the top of the album crate. Finn placed his over it, rubbing his thumb against the side of her wrist. Her heart felt like it stopped dead in her chest. Then, as he kept talking, it came alive again, pumping faster and faster like it was powering a bloody steam engine. 

“Having sex for the first time is scary for everyone. I just thought you were nervous ‘bout all the usual stuff.” He took a deep breath, shook his head, a thoroughly naughty grin bringing up the ends of his mouth. “See, I thought it was clear how much I wanted to see ya naked.” Rae’s face felt like it was on fire, as did her vagina, and her skin, which Finn kept touching so carelessly, so easily. Her mouth dropped open a bit and she ducked her head away to hide her smile. “I have some blame,” he said. “I should’ve told ya every day that you’re beautiful. And sexyl.” 

His face had slowly moved closer to her’s. She could feel his breath, smell the clean soapiness of his skin, see every detail in his brown eyes. She wanted to allow herself to be overwhelmed by him--she practically was already. Just another inch closer, another heartbeat, and she would be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire story has been building to the moment when Rae and Finn have this conversation in his bedroom. It's been so exciting to write, and there's plenty more that will happen between these two by the end! Thank you again for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting emotional...and maybe a little steamy! This was one of my favorite chapters to write and the moment I've been waiting for! I hope you all enjoy!

Just as she was preparing to close the space between them, she heard Tixie’s ghostly voice in her head again, telling her what a shit friend she would be to take advantage of Finn when he was vulnerable and lonely at the holidays. Reminding her this wasn’t why she was here--her life didn’t revolve around Finn Nelson anymore. She went through the list again in her head like she was preparing for a trip to the grocer’s: sick dad, shit friend, Bristol, friendship destroyer. She backed up and went to sit on the edge of the bed. Finn stayed where he was at first, like he was confused, then turned to watch her.

“That’s nice, Finn. Thanks, I’m fine though. It’s in the past.” She waved her hand, like “no big deal.” 

Finn shook his head. His face wasn’t as soft as it had been before. Rae thought he looked annoyed, like he was gearing up for a row. “No, Rae, it’s not nice. I’m not bein’ nice, I’m telling you how I felt. How I still feel.” His voice was raised, angry. 

Rae started to feel angry herself--why was he pushing her so hard on this? 

“I get it, Finn. I do. I just think maybe you’ve been goin’ through a lot with your dad, and today was rough, and so you’re feeling a lot and maybe you’re lonely and I’m just….here?” She trailed off, phrasing it as a question and lowering her head as she spoke, realizing as she went on that he wasn’t pleased to hear any of this from her. 

“Rae, this has nothin’ to do with my dad or anythin’ else except you and me,” he said forcefully, jabbing his hands as he spoke. “You really think you could be anybody? That I’d be saying these things to any girl who was here? You’re wrong.” She kept quiet, unwilling to concede that this was really happening. She’d let everything get too out of hand. 

Finn stood his ground, staring at her. She felt so small sitting on the bed and wished she could disappear. Maybe she should just go. She could probably find some neighbor who would take pity on her and let her crash for the night. Rae was about to stand up, grab her backpack and leave when Finn finally spoke. His voice now was much lower. He wasn’t yelling anymore. 

“You want proof, Rae, that I’m tellin’ the truth?” He walked to the nightstand beside the bed, opened the top drawer, and dropped a thick stack of papers on the bed beside her. 

“What’s this?” She asked.

Finn nodded toward the pile. “Look. You’ll see what I’m sayin’.” 

The pages had a rubberband around them. When Rae took it off, she realized they weren’t just all loose papers. There were envelopes mixed in, one or two sealed, others not, some addressed, and some just blank. They were made out to her. Every single one. 

“You wrote me?” She asked him, her voice barely above a whisper. 

“I told ya I’m not good with speakin’. And you wouldn’t talk to me, anyway.” He hung his head and wrung his hands.

Some of the papers had been ripped out of composition books, their edges frayed. A few looked like Finn had crumpled them up; one letter even had a small, dark splotch in the upper corner that smelled faintly of beer. She pulled out the first envelope she saw--it was sealed and addressed to her room in Bristol. 

“Can I?” She asked, holding it up. 

He nodded.

She drew her thumb across the seal and pulled out clean, neat lined paper dated 10 May. Three days after the last time they spoke until Finn rang her yesterday.

Dear Mae,

How are you? I’m writing this because you won’t return my calls. Chloe says you’re having a tough go at uni. She promised me you were alright and I hope that’s true. I hope you’re alright. I got in the car today to drive to Bristol. I sat there an hour trying to decide what to do. I don’t want to make things worse. Maybe it’s better if I don’t even send this letter. I just miss you. You’re the strongest person I know. I mean it. 

Love,

Finn

There must have been at least 50 letters. She flipped through them, the lines blurring, her eyes coated with tears. The words she saw most were miss, love, talk, brave, music, friend. Some letters were similar to that first one--Finn expressing his concern for her--and in others he told Rae about his day at work, pouring concrete or painting a house. He mentioned bands they loved or new music he had discovered. She saw Archie’s name in a couple of them and read more closely to see that he had been feeding Finn information about her for months, letting him know about her progress and how she was getting on with her new roommate and therapist. Finn sat there next to her, silent, the whole time. She forgot he was even there; it was like she had entered another dimension of reality, just her and this stack of papers that really did belong to her now.

All the letters were signed Love, Finn. 

The one at the bottom of the stack was dated yesterday. 

Rae,

Dad’s sick. You’re the only person I want to talk to right now. I’m scared. I’m scared for dad but I’m also scared for me. Ain’t I a selfish dick? Feels like life is moving too fast and I’m missing it. It’s goin right by, ya know? Chop says I need to go out more, but I think he’s a bigger git than even me. Did Chloe ever tell you about the talk we had at the Chippy? 

Rae stopped reading, racking her brain to recall a memory of a conversation with Chloe about this talk she had with Finn, but her brain was coming up empty. What the bloody hell could this be about?

I asked her if she knew how to get over someone. She said maybe we never do. I think she’s right and wrong. I’ve gotten over every girl I’ve ever dated--I don’t even think about them unless someone else brings them up or I see them in the pub. Except you. I think about you every day. I think we get over the people who we’re meant to get over, and the one we can’t forget is the one we’re meant to be with. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll never even read this letter. But I still miss you. 

Love,

Finn

She didn’t realize how much she was crying until she saw the wet mark in the center of the page. Finn reached out and dried her cheek.

“It’s always been you, Rae,” he said softly. 

She felt the truth deep in her bones: what a fucking gift this was, to be loved so well and so completely by Finn. Why the fuck did it take so long to figure it out? Fuck the ghost voice, fuck every time her broken brain told her she wasn’t good enough or that it wouldn’t work out. Chloe was right: Finn was worth taking a chance.

So she did the very thing she told herself she wouldn’t do: She kissed him. And it was fucking amazing. 

She pulled away, her hand on his cheek. She needed him to know how much this meant to her, that he wasn’t putting himself out there for nothing.

“I love you,” she said. 

He tucked her hair behind her ear, his fingers trailing down her ear and neck. “I love you, too.” 

He kissed her, their tongues pushing against each other. Her hands were on the sides of his face, then his neck, then his back. She slipped a hand beneath his shirt and felt along the top of his boxers. He still had one hand on her cheek, but the other was rubbing her thigh, moving to the inside seam of her tights, creeping higher until he was finally touching her where she wanted him to. When she let out a small noise, he pulled away quickly.

“Should I stop?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy!!

He sounded out of breath. Rae noticed how red his lips were and wondered if hers looked the same. 

“No.” To prove her point, she grabbed his shirt from the bottom and began tugging it up. He grinned and brought it over his head. She touched his chest, tracing a line from one freckle to the next. 

She looked down at her jumper, considering what to do. Finn had seen her naked plenty of times, but it had been a while. The old fear crept into her, making her second guess what she wanted to do so badly a minute ago. 

“We can stop,” he said, seeing the expression change on her face. “Or you can leave your clothes on if you want.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I want you to do what feels right. Nothin’ else matters.” She considered this, wondering if maybe she should just take the easy way and leave her top on. “But Rae,” he continued, placing his hands firmly on her hips, “I always want to see you naked.” This made her limbs loosen like she was drunk. She laughed and shook her head. She covered her face with her hands, embarrassed. I’m beautiful, I’m sexy, she thought to herself. He wants to see me naked. With a deep breath she pulled her jumper over her head and tossed it to the floor. 

Her hair grazed the top of her white lace bra. On instinct, she used her arms to cover her midsection. When she dared to glance up into Finn’s face she saw he was grinning stupidly at her. He leaned in and kissed along her neck, moving her hair out of the way, leaving a trail of himself along her collarbone. She liked to think about his DNA on her skin, like he was imprinting himself on her, changing the molecules of her makeup, just as she changed his whenever her lips touched his body. He moved along her chest until he kissed her softly at the top of her breast, just above the lace.

“This is nice,” he said, running a finger along the scalloped edging.

“I think I wore it...just in case,” she said shyly.

“Yeah?” He glanced up at her, a sly look revealing how delighted he was to know she had thought about him seeing her bra. 

Finn’s mouth continued to move across her left breast, his hand caressing her back. When his tongue touched the tip of her nipple through the sheer lace, a wave of pleasure washed over her body. She could feel him working the hooks of her bra with his right hand. It released, the bra falling away. By now, she had forgotten about her midsection--she didn’t care how she looked, only how he made her feel: wild, untamed, and most of all, really fucking sexy. The bra got thrown to the floor, a scattershot pile forming with her jumper and his shirt. 

Finn sat back, looking her up and down, his cheeks flushed. “You’re so pretty, Rae. You’re so beautiful.” He put his hand on her cheek and kissed her softly. She could feel the bulge in his pants pressing against her; he’s certainly telling the truth, she thought slyly. 

When he sat back again, she told him, “I want to keep going.”

His eyes got big. “Yeah, yeah, a’right.” He stood and began unbuttoning his jeans. Rae gathered the letters and placed them on top of the nightstand. She laid down, not even bothering to put the blanket over herself; she had nothing she wanted to hide. Finn laid beside her, just his boxers on.

“You’re quite excited,” she joked, looking at the mountain rising from inside his knickers. 

Finn looked down and laughed. “What’d ya expect? Beautiful, half-naked girl in my bed.” He reached around her hip and pulled her closer to him, kissing her neck and moving up to her mouth. His hands tugged at the waistband of her leggings, and together they pulled them off, adding them to the pile of discarded clothing. All that was left were her knickers. When she bought this bra a couple of months ago during a moment of confidence, thinking perhaps she’d finally find a fit lad at uni (she hadn’t), she decided against the matching lace panties. These were just plain white with tiny blue stars. She could kick herself now for not just buying them. 

Finn moved on top of her. Rae closed her eyes, settling into the mattress and relaxing her body. She didn’t need to imagine an anchor; instead, she imagined the things Finn was going to do to make her body convulse, her breath catch. His lips moved from her mouth to her neck to her breast to a spot just below her belly button. She felt his finger slide along the inside of her knickers.

“I like these, too,” he said. Rae opened her eyes and looked down to see his head hovering over her underwear, his fingers rubbing the fabric. 

“Can I?” He asked. He gently opened her legs, waiting for a response. She nodded. He pulled her knickers down, the blue stars a blur as it floated to the ground. Her first thought: I’m so glad I showered this morning. 

By the time his tongue was inside her, she had eased her head back down, opening her legs further, opening herself to his warmth. His hands gripped her thighs. His tongue roamed until it landed on a spot that made Rae twitch, an involuntary gasp escaping her lips. She gripped his hand, her back rising from the bed and arching. She couldn’t think of anything but the incredible sensation that was pulsing up from where Finn’s mouth was working. When he stopped, she didn’t even wait for him to ask. She just cried, Yes, yes, tugging on his arms and pulling him up. A condom appeared from somewhere and Finn quickly dropped his boxers and rolled it on while Rae watched. When Finn caught her looking, he smiled bashfully and laughed. He kissed her gently and whispered I love you as he lowered himself into her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!!! It's taken me longer than usual to post because I've been struggling with ending. Still not sure it's 100%, but it's almost to where I want it. Thanks so so so much to all the readers! Feedback is always welcomed!

After, they got under Finn’s thick blanket, the draft from the bedroom window finally hitting their bones, penetrating the fire they had created with their bodies. Rae put on her underwear and a t-shirt from her duffle that Finn got for her, walking downstairs and back up again completely naked, a sight that Rae watched intently, his ass still the sweetest thing, not just in Lincolnshire, but in all the world, she reckoned. 

Finn put his boxers back on before he climbed into bed. He propped himself up on one arm, using his other to twirl Rae’s hair around his finger. The physical and emotional exhaustion she had felt earlier in the evening was completely gone. Finn had brought her to a place of complete rapture and she was no longer fretting about what was going on, what she should do, what would happen. Just being here with him, in this moment, was perfect. 

When she opened her eyes, she could feel him watching her. She looked over and he smiled, kissed her gently, and kept playing with her hair.

“Rae?” 

“Mmm.” 

“I’d like to do this again.” 

She lifted her head and raised her eyebrows. Gesturing with her chin in the general direction of his penis, she asked, “You mean…?”

Finn blushed and laughed. “Well, that sure. And talking, drinking, eating, all of it. Proper dating. I want to date you.”

“Finn Nelson, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” She poked him playfully in his cheek. 

He swatted her away, laughing, and grabbed her hand, holding it close to him. “I am.”

“I’d still be in Bristol and you’d still be in Stamford,” she said. 

He wasn’t deterred. He kept hold of her hand, still looking in her eyes. “I know. But there are cars and trains and weekends and school holidays. And Bristol really isn’t that far.” He shrugged his shoulders, downplaying all the obstacles she had spent months considering. Rae thought of her conversation with Chloe--Don’t be a twat, Rae. She bit her lip, weighing all the information she had, all the new details she had learned today, and the multiple realities she thought she knew to be true. 

She turned towards him and sat up. “We can date on one condition,” she said seriously. 

Finn sat up, eye-level with her. “Anything,” he said.

Rae nodded. “You take that radio job.” 

Finn shook his head. “Rae, just ‘cuz my dad ain’t dyin’ doesn’t mean he’s better. He’ll need help ‘round the house, goin’ to doctors. He’s still sick. I can’t just--”

“I’ll help,” she interrupted. She took his hands. “Finn, I know your aunts and uncles don’t live near ya, but you have me and you have your mates. I can come in when I don’t have class and on weekends and help around the house or run errands. And I bet Chop can help drive him to the doctor’s. This is a big chance for you.” 

She could still see the hesitation in his face. “You didn’t want to hold me back from uni, and I’m not going to let you hold yourself back from this,” she pressed. “At least try. Unless you don’t want the job?”

He shook his head. “I want the job.”

“So?” She gave him a tense smile, hoping her speech worked.

He looked away and took a deep breath. When he turned back to face her, he was smiling and shaking his head. 

He kissed her, then said, “You really can talk me into anything. I’ll call Tommy in the morning.” 

She smiled and kissed his cheek. “You’re going to be brilliant, I know it!” She already started to imagine herself visiting Finn in a radio booth, watching him turn dials and adjust volumes, moving effortlessly around the equipment. She would be back at uni, listening to Finn interview rock stars or local musicians, or even just tuning to the station and listening to a song that Finn--her Finn--had selected. 

She was lost in her thoughts, her mind as soft as honey, until she felt Finn shaking her arm.

“Rae? Did ya hear me?” He was asking.

She shook her head, waking herself back up. “Sorry, what?”

“I was sayin’, I thought this Christmas was gonna be shit, just me and the old man, sittin’ ‘round thinkin’ ‘bout death. But, maybe it would turn out a’right. ‘Specially if you stayed and spent it with us.” 

There it was. A formal invitation. Rae felt a pulsing in her body that she was sure were her ovaries ready to burst. Spend Christmas with Finn Nelson? What a fucking dream. 

She was so lost in her thoughts--again--that she was hesitating. Finn leaned away, sat up a bit straighter.

“Unless you have plans. You said you didn’t, but I dunno, maybe you didn’t wanna say what your plans were..”

Rae’s mouth nearly fell to the floor. “Finn, do you think I’m hiding a lad in Bristol?”

He shrugged. “This is all new again. It’d be fair play.” 

Rae just laughed. “Finn, I’m not dating or shagging anyone. ‘Cept you.”

He smiled. “Same,” he said. “Just you.”

If she could have burst right there, she would have; just bits and globs of her flying all over the place until all that was left were her lady parts at Finn’s feet. As the night had progressed, and certainly when Finn made it very clear that he wanted her, she had stopped worrying about a mysterious, secret girlfriend. Even so, it was still pure joy to hear it from his beautiful mouth.

She kissed him softly, her hand grazing the base of his neck. She let her face linger beside his, their cheeks touching. She breathed in his scent, which was now mixed with the unmistakle stench of sex. She leaned into his ear, her voice throaty, “I’d like to stay for Christmas.” 

She could feel his face moving against hers. When she pulled back, it was lit up. “Brilliant,” he said. 

Christmas with Finn and his dad. She thought about the package in her backpack, just a few feet away on Finn’s chair. She hadn’t been sure she would give it to him--tonight or ever. In fact, she thought it more likely that it would ride back to Bristol with her in a day or two. She realized now, in bed with him, that this was a gift Finn needed in his hands. And she needed him to have it now, while they were alone. 

“Finn, I’d like to give you your Christmas gift now.” She made to get up, but he pulled her back gently by the arm, lifting his finger in the air in a waiting motion. He leaned backwards, his other hand reaching under the bed. He pulled up a thin, brown paper bag that he handed to Rae. “Did you say Christmas present? For you. Happy Christmas.” 

Rae couldn’t believe he had gotten something for her. Her gift didn’t cost money so she felt a little guilty knowing he had spent part of his wages on her. 

“Sorry it’s not wrapped,” he said. “I bought it last week, but I didn’t get a chance to pick up paper.”

“No, it’s alright,” she said quickly. “Thank you.” She could tell right away that it was a record. When she slipped it out she recognized the cover immediately: Beastie Boys. 

“I know you have the CD,” Finn told her, watching as she turned the album over in her hands. “But you should have it on vinyl, too. The sound’s completely different. It’s how you’re meant to hear it.” He stopped himself before getting too worked up talking about sound quality. “But you know that,” he finished with a smirk. 

It was true that she did have the album on CD. But she had bought it used years ago; the case was now cracked and the disc skipped during tracks eight to eleven. Plus, this wasn’t just any Beastie Boys album. Her finger scrolled down the track listing, pausing over “Sabotage.” She smiled to herself, remembering.

“Finn, this is brilliant. Thank you.” 

He looked pleased with himself. “I nearly bought you a Boyzone album for a laugh ‘til I saw this one in the shop. It just clicked, like this was meant to be yours. It all started with Beastie Boys, didn’t it?” 

For maybe the twentieth time that day, Rae was completely gobsmacked that he remembered such a detail from their history. He clocked the expression on her face and laughed. “Why’d ya think I don’t remember anythin’?”

She shook her head. “It’s not that,” she said. “It’s nice to know the moments that felt big for me felt big for you, too. I’ll try to stop being surprised by it.” 

He smiled and nodded. “Don’t think I could ever forget that day. The day we met Rae.” He smirked and poked her arm. “Soon as I heard that bloody song I knew our group wouldn’t be the same. I knew you were different.” He saw the expression of hesitation on her face and added, “In a good way. The best kind of way.” 

Rae looked down sheepishly. She had been so bold that afternoon, swiping the 20p without even thinking, so confident that she would impress them. She hoped that as she kept going through life she would figure out how to apply the confidence she had in her music with everything else that got thrown her way.

“You missed something in there, though,” Finn said, gesturing toward the brown bag Rae had discarded on the bed. 

“Huh?” She picked it up and reached her hand in, going all the way down into a corner of the bag, where she felt something small, hard, and round. She pulled it out and laughed: 20p. 

“For next time at the pub,” Finn told her. “You pick the music. I trust ya.” 

She turned the coin over in her hand, feeling the edges and thinking about how the next time she and Finn would be at the pub, they would be there together as a couple. Again. The thought made her want to fast forward to that day, whether it would be before or after Christmas. She just wanted to be out in the world with Finn.

She got up and walked over to her backpack, bringing the wrapped box back with her.

She handed it to Finn. “Happy Christmas,” she said, her heart thundering in her chest. 

Finn really did look like a child on Christmas morning. He held the box up to his ear and shook it excitedly. 

“Hmmm…” He said, an expression of pure glee on his face. He tore into the paper, tossing it haphazardly on the bed. When he saw the shoebox (they had once held a pair of boots Mary bought before she left for holiday, and Rae had nicked the box from the bin), his face scrunched up, confused. 

“You got me lady boots?” He asked, laughing. He turned the box to reveal the small black and white image of puffy snow boots. 

Rae shook her head. Now her heart was really about to burst from her body, the tension felt so great, like she was about to bungee jump from the tallest building in Britain; sure, she had a safety cord, but it was still fucking scary as hell. “Not boots. Open it,” she commanded. 

Finn removed the lid. He held the red notebook in his hands. With a jolt, Rae realized that Finn was only the third person to hold it, aside from her and Chloe. Seeing him with it was so jarring, Rae had to fight the instinct to snatch it back from him. 

First, Finn looked pleased. “Is it a notebook?” He asked. Then, it was clear he noticed it was a used notebook--the binding straining against itself, the edges of some pages fraying or stained. When he opened the first page and saw her handwriting, the date at the top, it all came together and he looked even more confused than when he thought Rae had gifted him women’s snow boots.

“Is this your diary, Rae?” He asked. 

She nodded.

“I don’t understand. Why’re giving it to me?” 

Rae took the diary from his hands, feeling the worn, soft covers that were like her second skin. 

“When I was in hospital, Kester had me start writing in a diary for therapy. This diary. No matter how alone or depressed I felt, I always had my diary. I told it things I should’ve told my mum, or Chloe, or the gang...or you,” she said slowly. She flipped through the pages, the dates flashing past her eyes. “If we’re going to date again,” she continued, “I want to do it the right way. I don’t want to hide anything and I don’t want to live two separate lives. I want ya to really know me.” She handed the diary back to him. “There’s things in here I’ve never told ya. You can read all of it or some of it or none of it, but you can hold on to it for awhile and see how ya feel.”

As she watched Finn with the diary, she couldn’t tell if he was holding it like it was something delicate or something explosive. He sat with it, thinking, for what felt like an eternity. Finally, without opening the diary again, he placed it back in the shoebox and closed the lid.

“It don’t feel right, Rae, for me to read something you meant to be just for you,” he said, shaking his head.

Rae hung her head. She felt dejected--rejected, was more like it. She thought he would love the gesture. She imagined him poring through the entries, as desperate to read every juicy line as she had been when she found Chloe’s diary. Well, I guess Finn ain’t the gossip I am, Rae thought to herself. And even if he was, she supposed the thrill wouldn’t be the same if someone just offered up their diary to you, no strings attached. 

Before she could continue considering all the ways this plan had been utter shit, Finn pushed the box away and scooted closer to Rae, placing his hands on each of her knees. She dared to look up and saw the sweetness in his face. 

“I think we found somethin’ else we got in common, girl,” he said.

“What’s that?” She asked.

His smile broadened. “We’re both kinda crap at speakin’.” They laughed. Finn continued. “What if, instead, you just told me the stuff in your diary you want me to know or you think I should know, but only when you want to, and we can try to get better at sayin’ the important stuff to each other. Together,” he said. 

Of course, this was the right thing. This was what felt best. Sometimes, when you make a hundred decisions a day that you’re unsure of, it helps you understand that when something is just right, it feels right. This felt that way. Finn felt right. He always had, even when she tried to convince herself she wasn’t right, that there would always be something wrong or something less about her. 

She kissed him square on the mouth.

“I’ll start,” she said. “I hate your bloody beanbag chair.” 

Finn snorted and threw his head back. “Well, you’ll be happy to know my cousin, Connor, visited during summer holiday with his enormous dog who chewed the thing to shreds.” 

“I’ll need to meet this dog and thank him,” Rae said smugly. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn replied. “My turn. Do ya wanna know what I really wanna do right now?”

Rae lifted her eyebrows, “What?” She asked, preparing for him to say something downright filthy.

He leaned into her. “I wanna have a beer and watch telly with my girlfriend. Yeah?”

This was even better. “Yeah,” she replied. 

Finn stood up, reaching his hand out for her. Rae took it and followed him downstairs, where she eventually fell asleep late in the night, with Finn’s arms around her.


End file.
